Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop

Zamparini Ride

Editor’s note: Ultra Palermo is proud to introduce the latest member of the Ultra Palermo staff who takes a tongue-in-cheek approach to the summer transfer window and the anticipation it builds for this upcoming season.

Every July, the football world engages in one of our most entertaining, if futile, exercises: transfer speculation. While clubs like Manchester’s City and United, Paris Saint-Germain, and Real Madrid are linked with world-class talents like Vidal, Pogba, Messi (yeah right, Nasser), and Hazard, Palermo fans are more accustomed to less exciting prospects, like Mauro Bose…errr…Bryan Ruiz, and the East Sweden Academy of Fine Art’s Xavi (Robin Quaison).

To spice things up, I’d like to explore a few possible targets that Zamparini and Co. may not have considered quite yet.

After Palermo’s electrifying run through Serie B, the future in A looks bright, and with a few key additions, they could be a force to be reckoned with.

Between Morganella’s dreadlocks and Bolzoni’s full-on pirate beard and pony, there’s no denying that Palermo stepped up their hair game in 2013-14. However, with the departure of Miccoli, Palermo fans have been deprived of eyebrow swag for the first time in recent memory. Palermo haven’t spent a season in Serie A without some serious eyebrow style since 2006, so why start now?

Since Miccoli’s career in the pink and black seems to be done and dusted, a suitable replacement could be American starlet DeAndre Yedlin. In addition to well-coiffed ‘brows, he also changes hairstyles with Neymar-like frequency. He’s not a bad footballer, either…

With the loss of Lafferty and Troianiello, and the possible departure of Abel, Palermo is left with a gaping hole in the bad-boy, womanizing party animal department. The current squad may make some headlines on the pitch, but it looks like they’ll be woefully quiet off of it. We can look forward to 12 months of riveting stories like, “This week, Edgar Barreto spent a quiet afternoon with his wife and kids,” or “Paulo Dybala was photographed returning to his penthouse apartment to play Wii-U at 9:30 on Saturday night.”

How about dialing up QPR to see if Joey Barton is for sale? Not only does he have the courage to insult the size of Zlatan’s nose on the pitch, but he also runs over pedestrians, gets in bar fights, attacks Justin Bieber on Twitter, and has the added subplot of a brother in prison for life. He’s a potential crisis waiting to happen every game, and that’s the kind of excitement we Palermo fans crave.

Finally, Palermo need to line up a new manager. Iachini is approaching his Zampa-induced expiration date (if Palermo don’t rack up 15 points in their first 5 games, he’ll probably be cut loose for under-performing).

My dad always told me that it’s never too early to start saving for retirement; in that spirit, it’s only prudent to start interviewing replacements now.

Since Marco Giampaolo still hasn’t turned his phone back on, and ex-skipper Rino Gattuso is busy patching up his relationship with about 3.5 billion women, Zampa may want to look outside of Italy this time around.

Who better to temper Zamparini’s volatile ways than Louis Van Gaal? Sure, he just signed a big-money contract with Man United, but the chance to match wits against (and eventually join the ranks of) the likes of Delio Rossi, Pioli, and Gasperini should be more than enough to lure him to Sicily.

Van Gaal has proven himself in some of the lesser European leagues as the manager of Ajax, Barcelona, and Bayern Munich, so he should be well suited for the rigors of a relegation scrap in Serie A.

This is a man who flows in and out of the third person as fluidly as his teams flow in an out of formations. He has no problem benching proven winners in favor of untested youth products. He frequently loses his mind with the press…

…Wait a minute, this is all sounding a bit familiar. Does Zamparini speak Dutch? Has anyone ever seen these two together? I have some investigating to do…

5 thoughts on “Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop

  1. That was a blast! 😆
    Loved it 10 times more than any ither bullshit mercato speculation that fills the press. Look forward to more.

  2. Hey everyone…. awesome site… love it so much.

    Really was surprise by how awesome the new kits are going to be this year. I have already found the home and away kits on a few sites online, but have yet to see the alternate kit? Thats the one i really want to purchase this year? Anyone know where i can purchase? ( i am in USA)


  3. Excellent first post. i look forward to reading more.

    While I am here i just wanted to mention that I am starting a London-based fan club for Palermo supporters in the UK. I’m sure it will be very small (at least at first) but hopefully we can get together and watch the games like the supporters of Inter / Napoli and Juve do already in London. Here is the facebook page for anybody interested in joining:

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